Changes

When I originally conceived of this blog and decided to make it into a reality, the intention was for it to function as a hub for my professional work and to showcase my widely varied skill set, but also, in a way, I wanted it to be a vehicle for my personality as a brand itself. It took me awhile to do so because I hate the idea that I could be so self-absorbed as to think that the world is really all that interested in me or the way I see things, but people had asked for it. I eventually decided to give in, despite my neurotic levels of self-consciousness. I do live a life I like to describe as big and colorful, and it’s a life I’ve always been very open about.

It was with this idea in mind that I decided to write about my personal life here, especially with regard to my wedding and the circumstances surrounding it. I felt secure enough in it that it seemed worth sharing. I’d been doing so on a much smaller scale for years anyway. I also felt a little like I was, at least in part, pioneering some sort of revolutionary social turf by being one of the first married gays in New York and I wanted to document that (as I document everything else in my life). So, when the marriage fell apart, I didn’t know how to address it here. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I didn’t handle it well—at all—and spewed quite a bit of my vitriol about it on pretty much every social media platform possible. When I did get ahold of myself, I decided I’d try and stay quiet as much as I could.

While I was still feeling vengeful about things, I contacted Jen Doll and asked if she’d like to write about gay divorce. She’d written about my wedding for the Village Voice, and it seemed to me a topic she might be interested in. She was, and we’ve had several conversations over the past months that resulted in the article published this morning in The Atlantic Wire, entitled “After Gay Marriage Comes Gay Divorce.” The evolution of my feelings on the matter has been such that I’m feeling less vengeful about the turn my life has taken and more like, again, I should be vocal. As I mention in the article, I do very much feel like the president of the loneliest club in the world.

How many gay divorcees do you know? It’s a horrible feeling to go through this huge life upheaval without the support of others who know exactly what you’re feeling. The closest thing I can liken it to is losing a parent. You don’t know that kind of pain until you’ve felt it, and I’m lucky enough to have an amazing support system in my life, but there is a certain lack in the knowing brand of sympathy that I’ve felt very deeply. If anything, it couldn’t hurt for someone who’s been through something similar to come across this and know that there is someone out there who really gets it.

I’m just starting to get to a place where I’ve absorbed and processed the blows, and where I’ve started to rebuild. I feel more and more myself every day, so expect to see more from me here in the coming days/weeks/months.

show hide 8 comments

sp - Well, I read the headline on Drudge and thought…and? When people do what people do with other people…in ANY aspect, the outcomes of their interactions are going to be the very similar and as varied. That is the bottom line; let everyone experience the results of their actions, as they evolve in a civil manner towrds all! Really, it’s pretty simple !

Steve

bob ward - Great news, less fags being married restores the institution of marrage.

Bob - I’m sorry for your loss. I too had the “wonderful” experience of divorce and I know the pain it causes. Time heals all wounds, so force yourself to stay strong, and I hope you can at least become a better person from your ordeal…I did.

Best wishes,
Bob.

Tara - I literally just read the article and then googled your name. I know EXACTLY what you mean as my wife walked out on me January 2008. Like you I was devastated and felt so alone. I’d never planned to get married, then when it suddenly became legal I thought it would be for the rest of my life. When it ended I blamed myself, even though it was her choice. She left 6 months after the wedding.

Unlike you though I wasn’t the only one. Quite a few of us were breaking up around the same time. Some from 7-8 year relationships, some much less. It’s the lesbian domino effect, once one relationship falls, you can stand back and watch the rest. There is only one couple in my immediate friendship group who stayed married and a few more in my extended.

It gets better though, I’m now remarried and my friend who supported me through the break up (and I supported her as her marriage had ended 6 months earlier) is 6 months pregnant with her new girlfriend. Once you stop grieving you’ll realise that she probably did you a favour.

Hold strong xx

David Hartman - You are a sick, ugly, pervert.

Manhattan70 - First let me say, I’m very sorry that you are going through a divorce, I can only imagine how much that must suck. Me and my dreamgirl married in Massachusetts three years ago. Marriage is tough and perhaps you and Katie rushed into it a bit too fast; not trying to be critical here, but you are young.

You mentioned in a previous post that one of biggest decisions you would ever have to make would be deciding on a possible name change. In the big picture of things, this is probably the least important thing in a marriage. My wife and I both kept our “maiden”/father’s names, as a tribute to the good men they were. What our last names are has nothing to do with our marriage.

Perhaps you shouldn’t put so much of your personal life out there on the Internet, it can be both harmful and cruel; as seen by some of the sick, fucked-up comments I’ve already read to your post.

Stay well.

Micki Gamez - Hi there,

I dont know you, but I read your article today on our CBS website and was also asked by CBS to comment on the story on our CBS blog because I am the resident lesbian and on air personality for 92-3 NOW. I wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I felt compelled to find your blog and write you.

I have had some lesbian friends go thru lesbian divorces and you are not alone. One was from a friend in California who dissolved her Canadian gay marriage in SF before the prop 8 ban. I also have another friend who was married-at the time- to the love of her life. The woman turned out to be a compulsive liar and my good friend had her heart crushed.

I have also been through a wicked break up. We weren’t legally married but she took my last name and we were together for six years. After our split, I had to seek legal counsel to dissolve the relationship due to our assets, four dogs, lord knows how many cats, and I was the bread winner, so I had to pay palamony until our debt was paid in full.

Divorce or break up regardless it happens. Its never easy. You aren’t alone. I wish you well with your future endeavors.

Micki Gamez
http://www.facebook.com/mickigamez

jennytuck - People must tell you all the time that they know how you feel, but I REALLY know how you feel—and I’m so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me, too.

The day I turned 23, on May 17, 2004, my ex-wife and I were among the hundreds of LGBT people who applied for marriage licenses at City Hall in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Four days later we were among the very first gay people in this country who were allowed to marry. We had been together for three years then; our picture, like yours, was in the paper. The following February, she left me for another woman. I was the youngest divorced person (and the ONLY divorced gay person) I knew. I felt exactly like you feel: “like the president of the loneliest club in the world.”

Seven years later I am remarried to a woman I have known and loved for more than a decade, since before I met my ex, and I am pregnant with our first child.

Happiness is out there! I hope you’re on your way to finding it.

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